Strike This Motherfucker Out! Shüpcity Shüpürrz Season Preview
A Brief History
As with most legends, it’s difficult to separate fact from fiction in the story of Shupcity Shüpürrz. It’s said that he was born in the depths of Puget Sound; sired by Gaylord Perry on the most vicious grampus to ever roam the waters of the Pacific Northwest. One Seattle area resident claims that in between sips of coffee on her houseboat, she witnessed an infant Shup emerge from the icy cold waters carrying a trident and a scouting report for Ken Griffey Jr.
By age six, Shup successfully swam across the Pacific Ocean to lobby Nintendo chairman Hiroshi Yamauchi to purchase the fledgling Seattle Mariners baseball club and hire a fiery fella named Lou Piniella to be the head coach.
In 1995, a clubhouse attendant swore that Shup appeared in the Kingdome locker room during Game 5 of the ALDS and handed the attendant a bat. He said but two words: “For Edgar”, then vanished.
His whereabouts were unknown until the winter of 2002-03 when a little known northeastern keeper league called The Defectors received an application for admission.
In one of the first moves he ever made, Seattle Shupurrs shocked the world by trading a tasty first round lotto pick to the Anderson Nightmares for a young left-hander who had led the league in wild pitches the previous season. “BLASPHERMER!” they shouted. “Void the trade and give him Eric Hinske!” they wailed. “He’s a witch!” they cried in unison. But Shup would remain unmoved. “THE TRADE IS FINAL. I WANT JOHAN SANTANA”, he roared, and the back-seat managers fell silent.
Scooping up this little known lefty from Venezuela laid the groundwork for back-to-back-to-back championship seasons (2005-07). It was the first time any one manager had ever won three titles, let alone three in a row. Santana was also the first in a long and illustrious line of Shupurrs starting pitchers that were there to strike every. motherfucker. out. Beckett, Myers (the good version), Hamels, Felix, Sabathia, Santana (the Ervin version), Zambrano, Dice K (the original version), Lincecum, Liriano, Cueto, Harden, Lester, Strasburg, Pineda (the ROY version), Darvish have all done work for the Shups at one time or another.
Despite being a perennial playoff contender, Shup hasn’t been able to recapture the glory of the mid 00’s. In 2013 he suffered a brutal 23 point Defectors Cup series loss to first time champion, many time bridesmaid Bklyn Royal Giants.
Top ML Hitters for 2015
There is a lot of talent on this offense but the outfield is where Shup’s bread will be buttered this season. Using some dark sorcery, he acquired Andrew McCutchen in an offseason trade with Nebraska Crawfish. For a time, I laid in the fetal position rocking back and forth…totally convinced I was in the alternate universe in Fringe.
Cutch will team up with Car-Gon, J-Up, and B-Harp(?) in what I can only describe as an orgy of talent that might not even be topped by a Hedonism Bot soireè. Obviously, health is the key here but that doesn’t make me any less flustered at the sight of those guys.
Top ML Pitchers for 2015
Felix, Stras, and Lester are the best of this group but there is a ton of depth on this staff. Jake Odorizzi, James Paxton, Taijuan Walker and Aaron Sanchez look primed to join the illustrious names mentioned above in the annals of the Shupcity Shüpürrs starting pitching stable.
2 Prospects for the Future
D.J. Peterson and Blake Swihart can absolutely rake. It looks like Swihart will be called up to the show sooner than we thought with Christian Vazquez going under the knife this week. Peterson will probably have to wait until 2016 for his debut.
Minor League Difference Maker for 2015
In the event that one of Shup’s major league outfielders gets injured, Dustin Ackley will be able to pick up some of the slack. It seems like Ackley is turning a corner in his major league career and if he can take a few more walks and increase the batting average he’ll turn into an offensive force as the Mariners everyday left fielder.
Projected Record
The outfield quadriad (I swear that’s a thing) combines to hit roughly 120 home runs and suffer 3 DL stints. The pitching staff throws 2500 K’s, shattering the Defectors single season record. Shup romps to the ShadowCat Memorial division title posting a 116-46 record that would make Lou Piniella smile and guarantee a Defectors Cup.
